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LiveJournal for Grown so tired of living this life.

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Tuesday, September 21st, 2004

Time:7:05 pm.
giggle giggleCollapse )
4 reached the end...| Go for it

Time:6:23 pm.
b00b00kittyfcuk  is the new sn. So fuckers, add it. =)

Oh yea....I don't know how to add my new sn as a mod to my community...help.
Go for it

Time:2:40 pm.
Mood: angry.

Billi waited for me in the morning and we talked for a while and I wanted to find Matt so badly, so I can smack him. He's a fucking dumbass and I hope Chrystal breaks his heart into itty bitty pieces.

"Live, love, burn, die"

Today I was sitting on the bus listening Atreyu, and the song "Lip gloss and black" got me thinking of stuffage. We drove over the green bridge, and saw a premonition. 

There was a girl, she had long blackish blue hair, skinnyish, pretty, had beautiful make up...somewhat the way i do mine, standing on the bridge, staring into a sunset, and I saw tears rolling down her cheeks, so was her make up and she was holding a book and it was burning, and she dropped it into the river...then she ran...and ran, until she reached a graveyard, she ran up a hill, and down to a grave...she layed on the grave.

It faded and my bus was almost at my stop. I want to see more damnit! Hopefully, tomorrow I will.

My dryer is broken and they're this guy here, he smells funny. lol. Anyways, yea. School was alright, I felt like shit all day, surpisingly my shoulder was killing me. I played softball in gym and I hit to 2nd base! woo. It sucked though cuz after the 3rd out(we had 6 outs) we had to clear the base, and i was soo close to getting to home. I was pissed, and my gym teacher was like you're an awesome runner, and i was like uhhh thanks. hehe, i wanna do track, but i can't cuz i'll get really sick, and that's something I don't wanna do.

I member in 5th grade we had to do a rap about something and me, this girl name Ashley, another girl Kara did it. It was funny, cuz we all actually rap, but we were good, and we taped it...I wanna find that tape utterly bad. lol.

I member when Mike came to see me drunk, and I knew he was drunk but I didn't want to start a fight. Then my friend Billy had to bring up the face Mike was drunk, and a fight started and Mike almost hit me...but Billy's mom came down to tell me I had to leave cuz my parents were going out to eat and wanted to bring me. Mike's hand was so close to hitting me....=(

I member the time when I smacked Mike and he smacked me back and my lip bled and he kissed me and told me we should hit each other more. lol....scary, yet hawt.
 
I have so many memories, I want to share with you all, but I don't if I want to type them all out. Some are sad, some are happy, some are mean, some are just there. Memories are like the only things I like. I wish I could erase all the bad ones, and keep the good ones, but its not that easy. It's not like we can click on the entry or memory and go delete. I wish we could, but then we need to have those bad memories to create good ones...and teach us a lesson. I don't know anymore...I rather forget the attempts of suicide, and go on, but its not that fucking easy.  Why isn't it?!?!  Why can't I forget about suicide, and death, and cutting, and self harm and all that freaky shit and think about happy shit?!?!

(person using our phone, yeah HE BETTER TAKE MONEY OFF FOR THAT! Yet, hopefully he fixed the dryer...errr yea he probably didn't. -shrugs- I may have clean clothes! )

I trashed my room last night, I started tearing down some posters, but I stopped and put them back up. They are my memoires, they are my art. They are all the things I need to member in order to move on. -sighs- I'm out...I got to call my daddy, eat, and draw or something.

"Aren't you tired of being weak?!?! I will guide you through this everything that's nothing"

2 reached the end...| Go for it

Monday, September 20th, 2004

Time:8:49 pm.
Mood: amused.
I will forgive but I won't forget
And I hope you know you've lost my respect

You better watch out
If you don't know whats going on around you
You better think twice
Before you fry off the handle and lose it
You better join us
Before you get lost in the shuffle
You better rise against
The demons that are gonna try and hold you down

Does it run in your blood to betray the ones you love?
Does it run in your blood to betray the ones you love?
The ones you love, the ones you love, the ones you love

Cause I'm not a pawn for you to play in your fucking game
I've got dignity and I dream that I want to change
The pressure, your troubled and you let me down
I'm not deaf and all I hear is your empty promises

Does it run in your blood to betray the ones you love?
Does it run in your blood to betray the ones you love?
The ones you love, the ones you love, the ones you love

Does it run in your blood to betray the ones you love?
Does it run in your blood to betray the ones you love?

I will forgive but I won't forget
And I hope you know you've lost my respect

Does it run in your blood to betray the ones you love?
Does it run in your blood to betray the ones you love?
Go for it

Time:7:32 pm.
my new lj is being rather jooish soooo i'm staying with this one till i fix the other one...i'll noticed you guys when i change journals
Go for it

Time:6:57 pm.
add b00b00kittyfcuk

(they're zero's)
Go for it

Time:4:25 pm.
I'm a hardXcore kid.

hehe. I <3 you!

I AM SOOO FUCKING EMO! lol. Johnny rocks my socks off. lol

I talked Johnny for a half hour and i laughed like 20 times...god that's great. He's soo hardXcore. lol.
Go for it

Subject:I'm addicted to your punishment and you're the master =P
Time:3:04 pm.
Mood: indescribable.

School sucked. I had to deal with Amanda in 1st period. Gym was boring. Latin I got my quiz back and then had to take another one. (93!) Algebra was boring as well...got my homework done. Science finish lab. World History was long cuz i was leaving at the end.

I saw one of my therapist today. I didn't get any new meds...=( I have to see my other one on Monday's at 6 now. AGRH. I hate it.

"I got a bad liver and a broken heart. I look for comfort with you but I realize that you are tearing me apart. Help me, save me, tell me the end is near. I AM DONE WITH YOU!"--Papa Roach

hehe Matt's dad had a flat tire..and didn't change it and drove Matt home...lol...that makes me giggle. Speaking of Matt, he's probably going out with Crystal...-deeply sadden- I wrote him a note...I'm going to write him another night why he shouldn't go out with her. He's hurting me more than I will ever hurt myself if he goes out with her. (yeah, I think he reads this....)

"My weakness is I can't do much. Scars remind us that the past is real. I tear my heart just to feel. I can't help you fix yourself, but I at least I can say I tried. I GONNA MOVE ON!"--Papa Roach

I might be getting some new razors, and I have to find a new place to fucking hide them cuz everyone knows where I hide them (purse and journal) I can't believe Amanda hide them, and kept them! I'm soo pissed. I want them fucking back damnit. >.< r.a.z.o.r.s are my anti-drug.

"Scars are memories to me, they tell a story."

I fell asleep in a tank top last night. (got cuts on my arms) and I woke up right before my mom came to wake me up and I ran to bathroom. I'm soo lucky she didn't see. But I think she's getting the idea that I still cut. The books I have talking bout sh and me itching my wrist/arms alot. -sighs- oh well.

"It's never to late to live your life. Do or die. Now, its my time to help you out because you were always by my side. Without you I don't think I could have lived. You helped my dreams come true"

Can I ask anybody something? Why the hell is everyone being a fucking asshole to me? WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO? I want my razors back..is that a crime? Is it crime that cutting is my fucking sanity? I'm asking more than something. I WANT ANSWERS DAMNIT.

Define true friends for me....wait no define friends.

that's all.

<3 Learning to live again <3

1 reached the end...| Go for it

Subject:rawrwwrrrr
Time:2:48 pm.
Mood: bored.
Quizzes...(they're pretty interesting)Collapse )
Go for it

Sunday, September 19th, 2004

Time:9:02 pm.
This week is going to suck.

I got a cd player, and 2 cds. =)

Atreyu-Suicide Notes and Butterfly Kisses
Papa Roach-Getting Away With Murder

both kick ass cd's
Go for it

Time:10:25 am.
Mood: excited.
YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALLEN IS COMING OVER TONIGHT!! I GET TO SEE HIM! YES YES YES! I FUCKING CAN'T WAIT!!!!!

Allen is my cousin who went to the navy and me and him use to be close and we talked about loads of shit, we were really close and then he left and i never saw him and now he's back for good.

FUCK YES!
2 reached the end...| Go for it

Saturday, September 18th, 2004

Subject:This Part Of Me Won't Go Away
Time:9:43 pm.
Mood: depressed and feeling used.
I can't even stand to watch people in restaurants laughing, having fun, enjoying life. I can't stand people in the park holding hands and giggling. I can't stand to see the perfect couples. I can't stand to see happy teenagers. Their pitiful happiness sickens me.
4 reached the end...| Go for it

Time:8:33 pm.
Mood: distressed.
A few things I found about cuttingCollapse )
3 reached the end...| Go for it

Subject:You can feel the hate, but i guess you choose to ignore it
Time:8:11 pm.
Mood: happy.
I didn't realize how much I missed her until last night. We holding hands at the football game, the kiss before my mom came, she taking my razors away, taking the sissors outta the bathroom, the cuddling on taylor's bed, her falling asleep in my arms, me her talking bout something we can agree apon. God, I miss her soo much, I would kill to get another chance, but I know that won't ever happen.

I <3 her...
Go for it

Subject:Don't Know What To Do, Looking For Love, Looking To Heaven Above
Time:11:23 am.
Mood: gloomy.

"Is it you I want, or just the notion of a heart to wrap around so I can find my way around"

I just typed a shitload and I lost it all. WHAT THE FUCK!

Bomber's Game-Met up with Taylor and Amanda. Bought a ticket for Johnny. Saw Nick and his gf. Saw Jeremy, Ali, Kali, Ally, Brittney, Ben, Josh, Alyssa, Alyssa, KC, Sarah, Lila. It was pretty cool. We won!! 25-0! hehe. We fucking rule. I'm going to all home games. =)

After Bomber's Game-Went to my house got shit to sleep over Taylor's house. Got a kiss from Amanda. =D Hung out with Taylor, Lila, Amanda and Johnny. Taylor and Johnny went and fooled around, I bothered them. Almost got raped. (eek) Then I fll asleep on the bed and taylor and Johnny did shit on the same bed as I was sleeping (oh soo gross)

Morning-I came home around 10.30.

I'm probably gonna go to the mall, get a cd player, a cd or two, and maybe get my nails done. Depends on how much, how long, and if we do go to the mall.

Matt broke up with Billi yesturday after school =\ He wants to go out with this Crystal bitch. It's all about her and nobody else. If he dates her I don't plan on noticing him. I won't talk to him. Meh, when they 2 break up and he comes to me and said I was right, I'm not taking him back. No fucking way. Screw him.

Wow, I just said that...-sighs- and the world will go on.

I GOT FUCKING BITE MARKS UP AND DOWN MY ARM. Taylor, Lila, Johnny, and Amanda bites marks to be exact. =) It started as me asking Johnny to bite my wrist and drink my blood. Which he just nearly pierced the skin before I flipped out. Then Taylor bit me, then Lila, and then Amanda. Amanda bit the hardest.

Well, I need to take meds, shower, unpack, clean my room and convince my mom in letting me go to the mall. =(

</3 We are never sad cause we are not allowed to be </3


This broken day will come and go
Broken and battered with nothing to show
Could this be the better part of my life
Something to hold on to white knuckle tight

I wait for something
You gave me nothing
I wait for something real
Something real

In the air I hear the sound of your voice
Too many questions with no clear choice
On my mind are the clouds in your sky
Will they rain down on you the day that I shine

I'd get down on my knees
With open wrists begging please
Oh won't you be my angel of sweet nothing
All that was said about the feelings I've bled
I want to disappear
My peddled flower my finest hour I've
Grown so tired of living this life

--SOiL*Something Real--

<333 Send Me An Angel Right Now <333
2 reached the end...| Go for it

Thursday, September 16th, 2004

Time:9:26 pm.
Mood: blah.

Shaun bit me, cut my skin open and now i have a scar.

I feel blah...idk why...

The scarCollapse )

Go for it

Time:9:05 pm.
Amanda and i have made a challenged of stoping our cutting, then working on problems.

The Pip and Diet Challenged. hehe So far today at this time it's starting. day 1!

<3333 We will reward ourself each week we go. We need support too.

I'll keep track in my info too.
4 reached the end...| Go for it

Subject:Look in my eyes, I'm jaded!
Time:6:51 pm.
Mood: frustrated.

Talking to Benny...oh soo happy. lol. I gotta get off soon and do the dishes and shit. The OC is on tonight...oh soo happy. =))) seeeee lol.

"Sometimes I wonder what's worth my time, who's worth living for, who's worth dying for, but mainly I've been wondering who is worth my love."

I'm really upset, because I am soo lost yet so found. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm also upset cuz of Billi and Matt...this is bothering me that they two are going out. I know I can't do nothing about it either. Sooo many people are trying to break them up, and a few of them I don't know. Gosh, why are people so evil?

Why do us humans kill others? I hate having all these questions I want answers for but I know no one can answer them to the way I want them...I know that I  have to answer them for myself.

I hate faking a smile, I hate faking being happy, I hate faking laughs, I hate faking as I'm enjoying life. Now, why do I act like this? Why do I think my life is sooo fucking hard? WHY DO I THINK THIS WAY? WHY AM I THIS WAY? WHY WAS I BORN? WHY CAN'T I FUCKING BE SAVED?

Someone please just hold me tight...please...I want to cry my eyes out, I don't want to be like this anymore. I won't let this get to me. I won't let anyone hurt me...I am strong, I'm not weak. I don't need cutting, I don't need self harm. All I need is someone there to hold me and guide me through this nothing that is everything.

Why am I this way, God? Why do you make my life so hard, yet so easy? Why do I feel as I'm dead? Why can't I be alive!?!

-sighs-

Forgive me for I have sinnedCollapse )

4 reached the end...| Go for it

Time:3:49 pm.
Mood: sore.
Sarah is adopted...wow I didn't know that. That's pretty cool.

Nothing interesting has happen today. Cept, I found out a few people are trying to break Matt and Billi up. That would suck if they do.

[Sometimes Things Need To Fall Apart Before They Fit Perfectly Together]

I feel like shit, I hate being sick. I don't even know how I got it! One day I was all healthy and the next I have a fever.

Rawrrr, it really hurts to breath....-cries- well i'm out
3 reached the end...| Go for it

Wednesday, September 15th, 2004

Time:6:18 pm.
Mood: crappy.
Why Can't Everyone Just Go Away!?!?!

I hate it..I hate how everyone has to get involed with my fights. Meh, can't you people understand, I can defend myself.

I hate myself. I hate how I am can fucked up enough to cut. I hate how I am so depressing. I hate how that no matter how hard I try to change, I will never ever be able to fully change. I'll still have urges to cut, urges to die.

I'm going for a rant right now. =\

.xX.It's been a while since I could stand on my own two feet, its been a while since I fucked things up.Xx.

Everything seems to disappear when I'm with you.Collapse )
Go for it

LiveJournal for Grown so tired of living this life.

View:User Info.
View:Friends.
View:Calendar.
View:Website (Negative Flood Cycle).
View:Memories.
You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.